As far as I can remember

2007-01-28T18:41:00.000-08:00

Signed up for a year's membership.
Sent the cat off to kansas.
Can't wait till march.

days

2007-01-26T08:40:00.000-08:00

The weight of 8 thousand days. The silence of each day cumulate into an insessent scream.

Here is my new goal:

2007-01-24T07:53:00.000-08:00

Locate the cave of a dozen boars.

This mythical - but possibly exists - cave is located deep in the missouri forests. Hidden by dozens of switchbacks and endless rocky terrain. Only one hidden path leads to the mouth of the cave. The cave is guarded by copperheards and skin tearing thorny bushes. The cave goes back into darkness. Flames will not stay lit in the cave, the snorting of the boars echo through the chambers. Bones of countless hapless animals litter the ground. The air reeks of rotten flesh. This is what I must locate.

2007-01-23T12:40:00.000-08:00

I'm too poor to afford $3.50 coffee. I'm too sheltered to be ordinary. I'm too smart to be content. I'm too ambitious to sit still.
I am restless.
I am working.
I am rediscovering.

2007-01-22T12:09:00.000-08:00

Here are the emotions at the place I dwell. No expressions of innate happiness, only occasionaly laughs at tv jokes or funny kitty expressions, no profound statements, no arguing, no crying, no compassion, no empathy, no kindness, no love. Only cold clouds of depression monotomously moving never ending.

Occasional breaks in the clouds, friend comes over for the weekend. Weekdays begin again the clouds recover the skies.

Mad Mad World

2006-12-29T17:48:00.000-08:00

The last couple of weeks I have been compiling unusual questions from strangers The best so far is being told that I looked angry by a homeless person and then shortly thereafter was reassured that he doesn't attack people and would like $2.

Growing up on a horse farm there are no strangers that you meet. You only meet your parents friends and your own direct relatives on certain holidays throughout the year. In St. Louis just about everybody I meet on a daily basis is a stranger. Of those the only ones that talk to me seem to all be having a tough time either their car just broke down or they lost their wallet and need fare for the bus to get home.

To date one has used my cell phone, a couple of broken into my friends cars, a few have received spare change, one has asked for money to buy a beer, dozens have been told I'm sorry, and a few utter back 'your sorry! I'm Sorry ...' One told me to stop walking so fast to which I only walked faster, some have angry tones of voice, some are beaten down to meek levels, some speak as if they were car salesmen. If you walk alone you will most likely be approached if you walk between any two buildings in downtown St Louis. My buildings are my loft and my workplace. This is where I live. It is said to be the most dangerous city to live in America. I want to wear a shirt saying I live here I'm not a tourist, and you might be having a better quality of life than myself in some ways so let me pass by.

I know for a fact they give out food at multiple locations within blocks from where I meet them. They are not starving. Something needs to be done.

2006-12-05T17:31:00.000-08:00

What is the meaning of life?

A fish flopping on the floor and a fish not flopping on the floor.

(From Consumating)

2006-12-05T17:29:00.000-08:00

What is the greatest invention of all time?

Digital Cameras. Without them web 2.0 is nothing. Would you really scan all your printed photos?

(From Consumating)

2006-11-04T18:52:00.000-08:00

You are sooooo urban. Show us what its like to live in the big city.

Vote for me at Consumating!

2006-11-01T19:40:00.000-08:00

Its starting to get dark earlier in the day. What dark fall evening activites are your personal favorites?

(My latest topic from Consumating.)

2006-10-31T16:02:00.000-08:00

Trick or Treat? What are you going to be for Halloween?

Vote for me at Consumating!

2006-10-04T21:19:00.000-07:00

What is the most exciting thing that has happened to you this month?

I went to a muse concert. It was surrreal.

(From Consumating)

2006-10-02T17:56:00.000-07:00

If you found a $20 bill on the ground what would you do with it? I bought a concert ticket with the bill I found, letting happenstance take its course.

(My latest topic from Consumating.)

2006-09-25T19:35:00.000-07:00

What skeletons live in your closet?

I have been keeping this in there, and just recently moved it out into the hallway. I went on a suburbian alley hunt and bagged me this fine specimen. Webstor just wished I'd have him mounted. He's only 5 months old too young to die.

(From Consumating)

Breaking habits

2006-09-21T18:07:00.000-07:00

How hard is it to stop one thing and start another?
It can be quite hard I suppose, but with time in the mix subtle changes over time have been acomplished.
I used to never read books, or if I did it would be a book singular.

Oh forget this, this is stupid blogging. I should write something a little more well thought out.

2006-09-20T19:08:00.000-07:00

Where do you spend more time: the real world or the dream world?

Sometimes I do feel that more is accomplished and discovered while dreaming, I always have been able to remember most of what happens from the odd to the very believable. It would be tempting if counciousness was always in the dream state but our 'waking life' is not that bad either. But consider this cat's sleep most of the day, they might know something we dont, and they purr.

(From Consumating)

Buffalo Chicken

2006-08-23T19:31:00.000-07:00

Computers, without them I'd be doing something else for a living, and I would have had to find something else to do for most of high school and all of college. These days I am swiching over to reading books (something new for me) and biking (bought a real mountain bike back in April). I figured out i should have started the pair of biking to forest park to read a long time ago. I try to do it every night thats nice. Tonight i was planning on for the 2nd time to try out a college bar near slu, but as usual my two buddies bailed. It seems I am doomed to go to places solo. I'm at Flannery's right now a Irish pub about 100 yards from the loft. I brought the macbook with me. Its not a laptop hangout but I live so close that it doesnt matter to me. I am pretty sure I should come out to Washington street a little more often than my rare venturings. Got my Newcastle, once its finished I am outta here back to the loft to take a shot or two and go to sleep hopefully quicker than normal. Darn kitty is a purr machine and loves to claw my face. 5:30am is when the kitten thinks its time for me to be awake apparantly. Gulp. Newcastle tastes like chocolate milk. Well anyway for the purpose of maintaining a blog I would suppose its because my memory is so bad, after a while I'd be fun to look back and see what I was thinking at specific moment, so far like 3 people know this exists so I dont really care what I am saying I am assuming no one will bother to read it but myself. Gulp. Nice. So far the last two bars I have been in I have been alone. Well this time I am typing and last time I was listening to a live band. Others were meant to also be listening to the band but again I had two bailers, each becasue of varying levels of legitimate excuses. Gulp. I always feel out of place. In school I most definatly was. In college I was surrounded by others quite similar to me in one way or another if this was a good thing I am not sure. But now, out in the working force I have learned not very many people I interact with (the few) share almost anything in common with me. The only common ground is we work downtown in st louis. I also happen to live in downtown st louis and I know about 3 people that are in that catagory and 1 of which I am splitting a loft with. I have determined I just need to make some friends with people that live downtown as well. Hanging out on Washington street weeknights I suppose is a good way to start. Gulp. Gulp. Its about 1/4 full in here I am of course the only one on a mac, the only one using a laptop, I was pretty suprised that they even have a free wifi connection point here, its a Irish pub! I live close enough I could use this place for my normal internet connection needs. Anyway enough ranting, I can muster a concentrated thought if I want to, it just seems that lately I dont muster very often. Oh yea now I remember I started off rantting about computers, I just spent $1500 on a computer parts (complete computer parts total 3K) and then there is this 1.4k laptop I am using...) Anyway I might as well build a screaming fast pc now, the moment is always the best time is it not? Gulp.

On the topic of: Gulp. "Time"

Where did college go?
Where did the first year of working go?
Heck where did the first 22 days of August go?

Gulp. Well I at one point was planning on being on a week long trip to NYC and right now would be at a internet cafe somewhere far from here. But my friend hasnt met with me yet to discuss the timing of the trip. Gulp. Ok its obvious at this point you dont want to come to flannerys to met any women. Its a irish pub good for only one thing drinking. Gulp.
So back to time, its a weird thing at times 3 days seems like a eternity and sometimes its simply gone. Gulp. Look like I am trying to finish this 16oz. So time, its not even 10pm, at this rate I will be asleep by 11pm. Well tonight should have been something more but it isnt. I'm pretty sure that my observations of the way the world works are pretty accurate and what I have observed does not bring my heart much hope. Gulp Gulp sip sip. So I will spend my time biking to forest park after work and then reading for a while by the art hill (currently reading Atlas Shrugged). Sip. On the topic of books I reccomend in order of recent reading completion:
Jurassic Park
Jurassic Park: The Lost World
A Scanner Darkly
Jarhead
A Walk in the Woods
Gulp.

So now Atlas Shrugged is just too darn long, its over 1,000 pages, now thats demoralizing, I am at page 36 or something thats such a insignificant number next to 1,000 something I am put off thinking about reading the book just cause I have soo much more left to read. Once those E-ink digital book reader thing made by sony hits the market finally I will be reading e-texts exculsively, its a really cool rechnology. Ok here we go finally something came in this place. Oh and there was gulp in there somewhere and also a little bit of a ahhh.

Back to time.

I am not scared of getting 'old' a silly thing to be afraid of, but I am afraid of wasting the time I have when I am young, and thus far I have been doing quite a good job of that. Before now and the end of the year I will go on a minimum of 3 backpacking adventures in missouri and one out of this state. Beyond that I cannot make any longer term goals. Maybe keep the kitten from getting squashed is another goal. Otherwise thats about it, and also take and print some more photos. www.eaglejm.com/desktop for my pics. Finishing off the beer time, its silly to be here at Flanneys talking to no one for a hour.

Status Report

2006-08-21T21:34:00.000-07:00

I want to spend my Labor day week on the Appalachian Trail in Great Smokey Mountain national park.
Yes I just finished reading "A walk in the woods" by Bill Bryson.
Now i just need to convince some one to come along with me.
I have 3 weeks.
Someone on aol is calling me a dork right now, i resent this.
Tomorrow I will plan my trip.

A long day deserves a good nights rest

2006-08-21T20:59:00.000-07:00

Sometimes people do things that are dumb. Dumb is an interesting word with many meanings such as: foolhardy, without speech, stupid, ignorant, foolish, and reckless. I am a person who tries to be logical and prepared for most any occasion, and as an Eagle Scout so should I be. There once was an occasion that I spent days preparing and planning for yet all the preparation in the world could not have foretold what was to take place out deep on the Berryman Trail in a Missouri forest. The experience that I had out alone in the woods is one that I will never forget, and if you are lucky enough some day, you too might have a similar experience.

I told my friend Tom that we would go camping sometime this year and not by my planning the number going on the trip grew to eight. I thought that the trip would be an excursion from the normal doldrums of dormitory life and reenergize our sprits. I lived in the country before college and used to go camping quite often and missed camping while at college. Every minute of the days leading up to the break I planned out the trip in every detail: The weather looked great, the meals had been planned out, there were drivers, the necessary equipment was acquired, and the money for food had been collected. I had found what appeared to be a great place to go camping called Berryman Trail. This location had trails, natural springs, historic locations, and was relatively close to us.

The decision of changing our campout into a backpacking adventure seemed like an easy one, yet this is when my judgment was flawed. A simple campout of two nights would be no challenge and would be easy enough to survive. The prospect of completing a twenty-one mile trail in three days and two nights seemed much more exciting to both me and those others who wanted to go camping. I personally already owned and had with me enough gear go out alone for quite a long time. I had a good backpacking external frame pack, a mummy sleeping bag, a portable high altitude cook stove, a two man lightweight yet very strong mountaineering tent, and a global positioning system (gps). I also had a waist pack which acted as a personal survival kit with miscellaneous necessities. I felt that I was prepared for a backpacking trip no matter how far the distance. I read that the trail took most people two and a half days to complete so I thought eight young college students could easily do it in three days. What I forgot was that I was bringing mostly inexperienced improperly equipped people along with me.

The night before we left to go on the trek; I gave out backpack frames that I rented from Outdoor Activity Rental, a local college sponsored business. The backpacks that I got from them were at least 20 years old nearing the end of their useful lifetime. The packs were better than nothing and looked as if they could serve their purpose for another few days. I also gave each person their share of the food that we would consume over the next few days. I told the others going that we would be carrying everything needed our backs so it was important to pack only necessary items. I knew that it may be useful to have good maps and know some coordinates of locations so I acquired the information online and brought the information with me the next day.

I drove away from the dormitory with a vehicle following me and thoughts of adventure in my mind. The road to the campsite was curvy and had many dips; in the darkness the trees appeared to wall in the sides of the road. The first sign came quickly that the trip would have many surprises. Finding the trailhead proved to be impossible according to the directions that I had. We were looking for a certain intersection that was nowhere to be found.

After twenty minutes of driving back and forth along the region of the road where a turn should be I remembered that I saved the position of the trail head on my global positioning system. I turned the handheld devise on, it connected to the satellites and soon we were following the arrow on the display screen. The directions a gps displays are ‘as the crow flies’ directions, meaning that it shows the direct bearing that one needs to reach the desired location not taking into account for roads and other obstacles. As a result of the mentioned limitation of gps technology a few wrong turns were made but we did find the campsite.

I pulled into the trailhead campsite with the other vehicle still behind and was happy to have finally arrived at our home for the night. The doors to the cars flung open and everyone excluding myself piled out of the vehicles and gazed up at the sky, and screams of amazement poured from their agate mouths. Apparently my companions had not seen stars on a clear night for quite too long because they were dumbstruck seeing the splendor of a full star field. After the city folk recovered from the initial shock of seeing the stars we got out the flashlights and began to set up the necessities of camp.

The first night went well according to plan. The tents were razed, the fire was burning brilliantly, and the marshmallows were being toasted to a golden brown. Some of my companions ran wildly through the woods collecting firewood while others laid on the ground staring up at the sky. Some slept in tents and others decided to sleep out under the protection of the atmosphere. I decided to sleep in a tent and I had a warm good nights rest. The sun awakened me in the early morning and I felt it calling to me to rise and get breakfast going. I was not the first on my feet because those that slept outside had a early morning surprise when they found the morning dew had drenched their sleeping bags and clothing that were outside under the stars. The morning was chilly enough to desire a fire so it was revived from the night before. I had planned a breakfast of bacon, eggs, pancakes, and orange juice. A form of each was consumed by the majority of us but most likely not cooked to our tastes. I tried to make decent pancakes but most ended up a little crunchy and the bacon ended up rather flimsy. Well it was better than I have had in the past and no one really complained about the food so we cleaned up satisfied and began to think about starting the hike on the trail.

Camp was broken down by midmorning and we were packed up ready to hike. The goal for the day was to reach another established campsite called Brazil Creek Campground about 11 miles along the 21 mile long loop shaped trail. The trail winded back and forth m any times and there were many hills to climb only to descend and climb another. The trail I now understood was designed for horseback riding and bicycling with the terrain not best suited to backpackers. We came across a natural spring with clear moving water. My companions decided to lap up the water, I advised them that it should be purified before drinking but they drank it anyway. The camel train of luggage with legs eventually became spread out along the trail with some up far ahead and other dragging behind. The problem here is that we were not as a group determined to keep a steady pace comfortable to all so the group became broken. Once the unity of the group had been broken it was never to be regained while on the campout and possibly for some it will never be the same as it was when we were together the first night. The hiking was hard and the weight of the packs grew with every step and by the fifth hour of hiking we were still miles away from the campground.

We started off the day with a determined attitude which throughout the day was whittled down to a determined attitude to go no further at the 6 mile mark. We sent a runner to tell those ahead of the group to turn around and come back to where the others were to discuss what should come next. At this point a few people decided that they were going no farther and began setting up tents on the side of the trail where we happened to have stopped. I advised we continue and reach Brazil Creek but the whole group wouldn’t go so now the plans for completing the trail became lost. Now the goal for the weekend had became to either go back the next day to the trailhead or go to Brazil Creek. If we wanted to go to Brazil Creek we would have to send people back to get the cars to move them to Brazil Creek to meet those who would hike there the next morning. I wanted to go get the cars before dark that same night and so did two others. Some people told us to wait and not go back till morning but I wanted to do it that day not wait because there was no reason to wait. Now looking back I wish I had taken a longer rest and drank more water because I was partially dehydrated after the five hour long morning hike.

I left my pack with the group and the other guys going back to the cars did the same. According to the gps the trailhead was 5 ½ miles from our current location. We started out following a gravel road which was a easy hike for about 2 ½ miles then we took a fork in the road that we shouldn’t have taken for it was a dead end. It led us deep into the woods in the general direction of the trailhead but it ended at the end of a ridge that was recently cleared. I decided to follow the arrow on the gps to the campsite though or around whatever natural obstacles I may encounter along the imaginary trail.

My two companions decided shortly to abandon the straight line idea and go back and take the road. I did not want to backtrack when I knew in what direction to go. Back in Kansas I had trekked strait through the woods with little problem but in Missouri I now know that the terrain is much less forgiving. I never once was given relief from climbing up mini-mountains to find another and another. This forest was ridiculously thick with very dense areas, and all areas had uneven terrain. Towards the end of my journey through the woods I encountered an area with fallen branches carpeting the ground creating a sort of obstacle course. I ran out of water about halfway to the trailhead and I became thirstier every inch I became closer to the cars. I eventually according to the gps was within two tenths of a mile from the location and yet I could not see it and it seemed very far way. I estimated that it had been three hours since I left the main group. I knew it would be getting dark soon and I had to reach the cars by nightfall because I had to know if the other two guys safely reached the cars.

I was completely exhausted with only hundreds of feet left to go to get to the cars but the indicator on the gps began to spin wildly in different directions. For about twenty minutes I was not sure which way to go, and the inconsistency of the arrow I assumed was because dense foliage was between the unit and the sky. I turned the devise off and on again and then it produced a consistent direction that soon lead me to within sight of the welcome sign to the campsite. I was overjoyed to have found the cars without aid of a trail. I found the other two guys in the other car waiting for me. They beat me by twenty minutes. I was wrong to assume the woods were the best way to go. We drove the cars back to our dormitory and we had a good nights sleep.

Post 1

2006-08-08T20:54:00.000-07:00

Here I sit in a rustic coffee shop on the edge of a dark busy street in the heart of St. Louis. I think of all the things that have bought me here to this point in space and time and I debate whether I am content.

I have spent the last year working at a large corporation doing whatever the 'needs of the business' ask of me to do and I do the tasks with dedication and at the same time a feeling that this can't be all that I was meant to be doing. This is that first job that you get right after college. I began wide eyed and ready to take on the world. What happened in the last year and for that matter the last 5 has been a lot of wasted time.

To feel alive is the goal. To attain this goal I have tried various paths, some rocky some at a easy grade but very rarely do I manage to have any fun in the process. I am alive in my imagination and in it I have tried to put most of my thoughts. Going to work and taking a lunch break and finishing off the day in the building that is shades of beige is not being alive, it is merely a placeholder for time and activities that are for some reason or another in my mind out of my reach or more accurately out of my convenient reach.

So I admit I have a problem or at least I believe that I do, so now what should I do? I could rant on and on how in all sorts of ways I believe that I have been ruined and cannot possibly function as a normal content American walking the dog and mowing the lawn till the second coming. No I will not rant about such things but I will make a journal of my thoughts and I will identify where my fallacies lie and make my best attempts to alter my thought patterns until I can change my behavior. Going out and doing something can be easy but believing in what you are doing makes all the difference in the world.

Right now directly in front of me to the left of my mac book's 13.5" glossy screen sits someone surely put here on the earth for me to go over and talk to. But that would be too easy wouldn't it? Instead I will simply appreciate what is in the room and let her have her privacy. Working on some sort of unenjoyable task, looks like she's grading papers or something of the like, the stack of papers is about 5 inches tall and there are a few stacks. Her goal of coming to this coffee house was to find a good environment to do some studious task, and what was my purpose in coming here, for the food? the coffee? No I had never visited this place until this evening.

I have been sitting here by myself at a raised table for a good three hours now, thinking of leaving. Now that i typed it there she goes, all packed up and is leaving. And there she goes out of view.

And with that I begin to pack my bag as well, not to catch her on the way out but to drive back to get some sleep. Sleep is preferable to consciousness usually. I will come back here from time to time.